🔗 Share this article Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date any man, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners once more. Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that many gay men engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused. Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear. The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.